


Hard To Let Go

by FrozenPup



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Dark, Heavy Angst, Miscommunication, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-06-16 14:23:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15439002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrozenPup/pseuds/FrozenPup
Summary: Lance cannot take it anymore. He needs a way out, but is he prepared to pay the price?PLEASE READ TAGS. THIS IS A DARK STORY!





	Hard To Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> If you're sensitive to the tags of this story please do not read this!
> 
> A few months ago I dropped into a really dark patch, during this time I was having frequent thoughts on suicide. After coming close to attempting I spoke up about it to a friend I'd know for all my life and with her support I told my parents.
> 
> I was instantly given the help and support I needed and am on the path to recovery now with the aid of my doctor, family & friends and a counselor. 
> 
> If you ever have these thoughts, please talk to someone no matter how scary it is. I am not supporting suicide with this story, this was written as a release and to highlight how tough it is to speak up. You're putting more than just yourself in danger when you consider suicide.

The horror of wanting to end everything is no where near as frightening as the fear that controls you when you try actually to do it. 

Lance shook, clutching his arms around his shoulders as he struggled to breathe. Tears were prickiling his eyes, threatening to pour out like the sounds of sorrow that tore from his throat just minutes ago. He couldn't do it, he just couldn't! No matter how much the desire to stop clawed at him, nagging away at his mind even in his good moments.

Crouching down he gasped, attempting to breathe deeply to clam himself. In and out. In and out. It would do no good if he made anymore loud noises. It was lucky enough the team didn't wake earlier to his wailing. Lance knew he wouldn't be able to brush them off again if they entered the kitchen, not in this state. An aching part of him wished they would, to be able to share all these thoughts and get help. A stonger, all encompassing part feared it, filling his stomach with dread and tightening his chest. 

In and out. In and out. Lance slowly drew in more breath, holding it for ten seconds before letting it out. The sooner he got his breathing under control, the sooner he could clean up his ruined face mask and go to bed. Guilt and a sinking amount of shame weighed heavy on his shoulders as he stood and head for his room, the kitchen left behind him along with another small part of him. 

Looking in the mirror a familar numbness began to settle over his mind. As he cleaned his face it grew, his body slowly feeling heavier and harder to move. By the time he was back in bed, all he could do was look up at the roof. The weight in his limbs dashed all motivation to get more comfortable. 

All he wanted was to sleep now, that at least meant he didn't have to deal with what his life had become for a few hours. If he was lucky he might even get four hours of sleep tonight. Letting his eyes drift shut, Lance took one last deep breath. Sleep taking his exhausted mind and settling it for the night. Tomorrow was a new day, may be it would be better. 

It wasn't.

Lance woke sluggishly to the sound of Allura yelling over the coms. Apparently he was late for the team training his brain couldn't remember. The Princess's yells grew in volume and agression, but they didn't effect him like they usually would. A slight raise of her voice and normally Lance would stop whatever he was doing to listen, now though, he couldn't even find it in himself to care. 

The longer Lance laid there, the harsher the punishments Allura spat through the com got. Threats of increased gladiator levels and longer sparring sessions use to make the blue paladin groan and regret agreeing to team excersies, now he paid no mind to them, curling up and pulling the blanket over his head. He didn't have it in him to act today. His mask was broken, he needed time to repair and mend the damage.

Lance didn't notice the Princess had stopped until someone was storming into his room. His blanket was yanked from his bed and dropped to the floor, the force so hard Lance almost fell with it. As expected, Allura stood there fuming, her gorgous face contorted into a grumpy scowl. Again normally that would cause Lance to either grovel at her feet or run for his life, however, today he simply sat up and stared. 

"What are you doing! A Paladin of Voltron is not suspose to be lazing away, especially while Zarkon still rules!" Allura shout, jabbing an acusing finger at Lance with each point. Lance's blank face musn't have pleased Allura as she was about to start again when the rest of the team entered the room. They all stopped, analysing how close Allura was to Lance and how unresponsive he was to her anger.

"Princess Allura, if you please. It seems Lance isn't in the best of shape." Coran stepped forward, gently grabbing Allura's arm and guiding her back some. Lance didn't speak, there was nothing he had to say, nothing he could say. He could feel those damned tears beginning to form as he dropped his head. If they knew how pathetic he really was they'd easily replace him and as much as he missed him family and wanted to go home. He couldn't end his career as a Paladin like that. 

"Lance, whats wrong?" Hunk enquired, moving forward to sit on the bed. Lance swore he felt a physical pain stab him in the chest because now Hunk was worried. His best friend who was too pure to ever have to deal with any of this was concerned because Lance couldn't get his act together. 

"I'm fine. Just not feeling a hundred percent today." Lance lied, he wasn't ready to tell them, probably never would be. It was the best he could give them. Deep inside he hoped they'd ask more, demand he tell them what was really wrong. Everyone had noticed his slip ups at some point, even Keith had to have some clue. 

A mixture of relief and utter sadness filled him when the team said they'd let him rest then. If he wasn't up to team bonding he shouldn't come to the other training either for the rest of the day. Team Voltron filed out after Allura, Hunk leaving after a hug, saying he'd come check on Lance after training. It didn't make him feel any better, he wanted them now, needed them to realise he wasn't ok. Nothing was ok. 

As the door slid shut, the first tears made their way down his face. He was going to have perminate tear tracks down his face soon with how often he cried. Within minutes Lance was sobbing like a baby, big fat tears gushing down his face as he hid is sobs into his pillow. Why couldn't he just say it?! Talking was never something he had an issue with, now he couldn't even ask for help! 

Hours passed, Lance's tears eventually dried out, leaving his eyes red, puffy and sore. His throat was raw with his shouts, his poor pillow shouted into scared submission. Hunk still hadn't dropped by. Lance knew training was over and whilst he also knew something honestly could have come up, he really wished Hunk would just arrive already. His thoughts were darkening, the image of the kitchen knife or the multiple tablets in the bottom draw in his bathroom were becoming more and more tempting. 

He couldn't though! Could he? Getting up, Lance began to walk. His regular fears of the pain, missing his family, his team and the universe crushed guilt into his core. There wasn't a way out, no way to erase his existence from all the people he loved and knew. No matter how much this plagued him, Lance still found himself walking towards and end. The air locks were just around the corner, they'd be able to make him disappear. Space would consume him and no one would ever know. It would be quick, or so he hoped. 

The buttons to activate the air lock were simple, even though his hands shook and his eyes managed to find new tears to spill. The countdown began and his mind went blank.

"Airlock activated, counting down, Ten, Nine, Eight,"

This was for the best, to finally be at peace and not cause anymore problems for his loved ones.

"Seven, Six, Five,"

He was going to miss them, a deep and powerful ache hit his gut and chest, he was going to miss them more than anything, his love for them stronger than any power in the universe. 

"Four, Three, Two,"

What if this was a mistake, he could tell them. Get the help he needed and beat Zarkon. Return to Earth and see his family. He doesn't want to die! He changed his mind! He doesn't want to end it like this! 

"On- Airlock Cancellation Complete."

Panting and violently shaking, Lance dropped to the ground, digging his nails into his side he screamed.


End file.
